the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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