he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
