I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize