i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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