She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
