I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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