I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
