Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize