We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I cannot find my penis.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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