3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
