I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
