I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
there is glitter all over my balls
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