Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
