Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
