3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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