I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
