Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize