I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
