apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
worst night to have a conscience
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
this is an emotional support booty call
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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