Grow some girl-balls and come out already
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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