well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
