those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
