I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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