This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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