Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You are a genius and a whore.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
