I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
