Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I puked a lego.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
