My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
