did you get engaged???
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
