So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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