your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
