why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
