evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
