if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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