Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And then my night got REAL pukey
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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