i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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