No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
