I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
