my phone needs a breathalizer
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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