When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
