there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
