I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
