On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
