Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
