Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize