Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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