From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
