we have officially lost it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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