so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
