LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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