Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I know her cup size but not her name....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
