You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
