I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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