4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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