Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
