thus making me awesome and them whores
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
