He had one of those small greek statue penises
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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