I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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