Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
