so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
