if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
